Imposter Syndrome in Tech

Part 4: Internalised Shame

Written by Catherine Browne and Garth Gilmour

Series Overview

This is the last in a series of four articles outlining the common manifestations of Imposter Syndrome in the world of tech. In each we will give both the software engineer’s perspective, then the psychotherapist’s response with some ways to tackle it, both cognitive and practical. Of course, these articles are only for general interest and anybody really struggling is advised to seek more specific, professional help.

The first part deals with relentless change and fear of being ridiculed.

The second covers fearing the career consequences of a break from coding and the fear of simply working less.

The third discusses the self-esteem impacts of your career diverging away from where the industry attaches most prestige.

Now we turn to the ways the industry can invalidate us if we don’t have the ‘right’ career history, and draw our series together with some final thoughts on how to overcome the scourge of Imposter Syndrome.

7) Not being a ‘Real Developer’

To quote Samuel Johnston: 

“Every man[sic] thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea” 

We all want to contribute to our community, and in turn receive respect. Typically we achieve this by succeeding in our profession. Which in turn is signified by passing through initiation rituals after great effort, denial and sacrifice. Barristers are literally “called to the bar” at the end of their pupillage whilst MPs face the ordeal of their maiden speech.

For software engineers the traditional initiation is the experience of working for a fledgling startup. Living off warm Coke and cold pizza whilst coding into the small hours. Sacrificing time and health to realise the entrepreneurial dream of success, adoration and wealth.

In most cases this (so called) dream will never happen. It’s a fantasy based loosely on the dot-com boom in the 1990s, invented and sustained by Hollywood. Most software engineering jobs are with large companies and are increasingly dependable, predictable, and well structured. This should not be seen as a bad thing, but often it is.

Imposter Syndrome whispers to us that if we haven’t suffered then we can’t be legitimate.

Even when the startup life is an option it’s rarely a good life. There is a Faustian bargain to be had, in that this is the perfect environment to self-educate at a tremendous rate. But only when you are with the right company, using the right tech at the right time. Bitcoin and Blockchain would be recent examples.

Despite these risks and costs software engineers still want the dream. Even when they know the risks aren’t worth the rewards. Even when they are aware that 9/10 startups fail, with the virtual shares in their contract worth less than the paper they are printed on.

As a result a developer who spends their whole career productively building valuable systems for large companies can feel a bit like a fighter pilot who never served on the front line. We all believe we should be Top Gun, but in reality most of us are EasyJet.

From Garth’s Experience

“I joined the software industry during the dot-com boom, so naturally I worked for a number of startups and had friends who worked for many more. I don’t recommend it. It did enable a small number of folks to launch themselves into lucrative consultancy careers, and an even smaller number (who were wise enough to have a vested interest) became rich when their startup was acquired. But for everyone else it was a remorseless grind to ensure your employer could still afford to pay you at the end of the month. To this day, I see junior developers drawn to the siren song of startup culture. It exerts a gravity that is completely out of proportion to the rewards.” 

Catherine’s Response

If you’re finding yourself thinking you’ve played it a little too safe in an established company then remember that ultimately you’re working for yourself – to achieve your goals and realise your values. Especially the values of financial security and at least something approaching a work/life balance.

A good way to keep that front and centre in your mind is to start by listing all the benefits of working for an established company – personally as well as professionally – such as predictable hours for predictable income or the opportunity for skill diversification that only a big organisation can provide. Write against each one as many possible examples from your own experience of how this has benefited you e.g. “I was able to go on holiday last month without my laptop; I am reliably able to keep promises to loved ones” that a work-anytime-you’re-awake startup culture would not give you.

Review this list as often as it takes until the startup seems to be as likely to bring you happiness as buying a lottery ticket.

8) Not Having Done A Computer Science Degree

Software engineers arrive in the profession from many routes. To quote Trillian (out of context) from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy:

“With a degree in maths and another in astrophysics what else was there to do? It was either that or the dole queue in the morning.”

The skills needed to be a good software developer can be found in many STEM fields. Plus in an age when usability, product design and emotional intelligence are key skills, the humanities have a lot to contribute as well. But a computer science (or related) degree remains the most highly regarded route into the profession.

There is an implicit hierarchy in the profession, with computer science degrees at the top and self-taught developers at the bottom. Which is ironic since the latter often end up more competent than the former.

The reasons for this hierarchy are complex, but two big ones are:

• Programming remains the cornerstone of software engineering. Originally coding revolved around extracting maximum value from the hardware. Today it’s more about creating clear, simple, and maintainable codebases. Because these days Devs cost much more than CPUs. But coding remains the key skill.
• Having deep knowledge of underlying concepts has enduring value. It may not be relevant on day to day tasks, but it’s essential to progress into more senior roles involving architecture, security and performance.

These two areas are guaranteed to be covered in a Computer Science degree, should be covered in a Software Engineering degree, and will probably be minimised in a composite course with some IT modules. Hence engineers tend to feel Imposter Syndrome in inverse proportion to the purity of their degree.

Ironically, the more practical the degree the faster folks tend to progress in their careers, at least initially. But no one ever said engineering had to be rational 😀. The wonderful thing about software is that all the knowledge is completely out in the open. Anyone with a computer and an internet connection can find all the resources they need to self-educate to PhD level on any aspect of Computer Science. Hence it’s not unusual to find self-educated devs better informed than folks who travelled the academic route, and ex-academics who have forgotten all the theory they learned. But the Imposter Syndrome remains.

From Garth’s Experience

“I taught myself to program on the Spectrum 48K when I was 12, before pursuing degrees in Psychology and Criminology. It was only when I realised coding could be a career that I did a Masters conversion course to Computer Science. Even after 25 years of unceasing self-education I still feel poorer for not having taken the formal route.”

Catherine’s Response

Both of these cases are an internalised inadequacy, a sense of not being good enough in the starkest terms.

There is a intrapersonal relationships model called the Johari Window which contains the somewhat mind-blowing idea that other people know things about us that we don’t know about ourselves. We all have an internal self-concept developed over our entire lives, including all the secret, hidden shames and early failures. Other people, however, see us only from the outside, as we have behaved and appeared only during the time they have known us. They can compare us to other people they know and we might compare much more favourably than we realise!

This is why sometimes people who are widely respected for their successes can still have very poor self-esteem. Their beliefs about themselves can be imprints of the opinions of those in their early life (starting with parents) which have been internalised, then reinforced by negative bias, until they seem to have the solidity of facts: I am not good enough; I am vulnerable; I am unlovable and so on. Trying to compensate for these agonising feelings of shame, decades old in some cases, can drive people to exceptional achievements that the rest of the world applauds. And yet that still isn’t enough to fill the void inside where self-worth should be.

But both of these examples of internalised inadequacy can be combated to a degree by a defiant reframing. Reject the validity of the whole set of assumptions that underpin them: the start-up grind is not the romantic route to wealth and celebrity. A less conventional route to coding success than a computer science degree is an actual advantage – perhaps it gives you an edge with your acquired-in-the- school-of-hard-knocks skills which are more practicable than any theoretical learning wafting down from the ivory towers of Academia. Be proud of the fact that you didn’t get your skillset handed to you on a syllabus but you still achieved so much.  If you’re actually better, or at least as good, as somebody with a CS degree then perhaps they should be wishing they had your tough, grafter, cred.

In Conclusion: The Way To Peace Is Within

“Internalised shame” could have been the title of our whole series because that’s what drives Imposter Syndrome: the conviction that we are not enough as we are and only baffling good fortune is keeping that from becoming painfully evident to our colleagues. One day, we fear, our inadequacies will become all too public. One day, we will hit the limits of our ability to conceal our flaws any further.

Our internal critics are brutal and seem to use loud-hailers to remind us of our shortcomings. They continually draw our attention to what we don’t know, what we can’t prove we know.

Because so often in the tech industry, self-worth is attached to what we can prove we know. Prove, that is, to others.

Instead, to puncture Imposter Syndrome, we have to prove some things to ourselves.

Firstly, we are whole people, not just developers. At any point in life, especially when we know we’re unhappy, a stock-take (and an objective person such as a therapist may be helpful here) can reveal to us that some areas of our life could do with some effort and attention to make us more fulfilled. It can help us do a check that our daily, weekly, annual activities and goals actually line up with the values we hold dear today, which may not be the same set we had at the start of our career.

Knowing our daily actions advance us towards our goals and also manifest our values in the world across all the domains of life, gives us a sense of meaning. That day by day we are building a legacy we can be proud of. It gives the satisfaction of living purposefully, even if, life being uphill sometimes, we aren’t always able to live happily.

A consciously value-based life is a rich source of self-worth and an antidote to “compare-and-despair”. It takes the locus of judgement away from the world in general, and your colleagues in particular and places it back with, and in, you. You start to judge yourself against your standards and values and not against a narrow slice of the external attributes of other people.

And sometimes you’ll realise you haven’t got it quite right and need to course-correct. To put more focus and emphasis into one area of your life.

Learning and internalising the practice of self-compassion allows you to do this without the cruel taunting of hostile inner critics. Self-compassion encourages you instead. It internalises a cheer-leader, a perpetual pep-talker reminding you of your strengths, your achievements, how everything could, in fact, go oh so very right. It’s a voice that reminds us to be kind, tolerant and gentle with our inevitable stumbles as an imperfect person (the only type available) doing the best we can in an unfolding, mysterious story.

More in the series…

These are just two common manifestations of Imposter Syndrome in tech. In case you missed the earlier articles, here are our thoughts on the impact when engineers:

• Struggle with fear of ridicule and being unable to cope with the pace of change (part 1)
• Feel unsafe making a career move that will take them away from coding (part 2)
• Worry about being not matching up to two common archetypes: the ‘Full Stack’ developer or Eternally Young coder (part 3)

About The Authors